Oh what a week!

Well. First week back on it was, frankly,  a bit of a shambles...but I knew that would happen. Visiting family, my daughter's birthday, a party, Mother's Day - all in the one week? Sheesh.

I could, of course, have gone back to Slimming World this week and not last. I had various reasons to postpone - the social events plus a dose of ill health amongst others. I had good reasons for going though, and my main feeling was that I would rather go and get started than wait, mainly because, well, what more damage could I cause?! I'm glad I went last week. I made lots and lots of very poor decisions... but you know, I made lots of good ones too. Out of 7 days I managed to be "on plan" maybe 3 days. Maximum. And I went last night to face to music. And I lost half a pound. That's a packet of butter right there. (Or not, if you like).

It's been nice thinking about meal planning again, working through my cupboards and remembering all the lovely things you can eat readily on this plan rather than focusing on the things you can't. Lunch has always been a tough shout for me, mainly because I have to really plan in advance. As in make it and have it sitting waiting for me. I've knocked up a couple of pasta salads this week, one was a take on a pasta puttanesca and the other was a sort of tuna pasta full of capers, red onions and salady things. Today though I made a couscous chicken salad, full of Speed foods, lemon, balsamic vinegar and - obviously - cooked chicken. It was massive but delicious and has reminded me of one of the great things about SW. Variety.

This time, it's personal.

I'll just cut to the chase, because let's be honest, who needs small talk?

I've been back and forth in the last year. Mostly forth. Weight creeping on. Up and up. I've piled on a massive chunk of what I lost. How depressing. How annoying.

How disappointing.

So many good intentions simply thrown away. So many good habits tossed aside. It would be so easy to say never again but that's not life. It's not reality and it's not people. It's not me, sadly.

At the point I got stuck I was determined to lose another 2-3 stone but since sticking and maintaining before gaining I have realised that actually where I was was a pretty perfect place to be. I felt good... I was around about a size 14 and had developed a new confidence. Now I've put weight back on it's all a bit messy. I didn't have "old me" photos last time, but now I do. I didn't have clothes I didn't fit into last time, but now I do. Last time it was just a battle against the blubber. This time it's a battle against 2012 me. And it's harder.

I miss my collar bones and those funny ligaments in my knees I didn't know I had before losing over 6st. I don't know how to dress my new shape (and it is new because the weight has gone back in different places) so I feel terrible most of the time. I miss my favourite dresses. I miss understanding my food. I miss control. I miss feeling good. On the plus side my fitness is massively improved and my body is smaller than before, I think I can thank the gym for this.

So anyway I've taken a decision to go back to Slimming World and I'll rejoin next Tuesday. 17 weeks until I go to Tenerife for our summer holiday. Game on.